Depression is…

Depression is sometimes feeling as if no one cares of you. Depression may be born out of a series of being abandoned, ignored, or otherwise forgotten. Experiencing those enough times will change how you see things. You may develop difficulties of trusting others, because some part of you believes you’re likely getting abandoned again.

To grow is to let go

Four years ago, I was in a class with B & J, the former of whom I’ve met a year prior. Within that semester and the times after, we became a sort of a trio.

Being around these two was certainly better than being around the human trash that was my old friend group.

Like some friendships do, we eventually stopped talking to one another. Granted, I was in seldom contact with B, but things weren’t as they once were.

I wanted to make a video sitcom series with these two guys. But then I discovered that B & J were no longer Facebook friends for whatever reason. So I figured I’d just make videos with B.

Which never happened, despite my attempts to meet up with B, who’d be non-responsive; when he was responsive, he said he would get back to me, which never happened.

Recently, J started talking to us again, which led to me meeting him in person. B was (of course) non-responsive about it.

It was the briefest and most awkward reunion I’ve had.

We met outside of a bar before going in. J wasn’t quite himself, as if he had spent the last three years doing drugs and is now recovering from it. Apparently he’s out of it because of his current sleep pattern, which requires him to wake up early for work therefore needing to sleep early.

(the reason why I’d write such a thing is because J was/is not the “cleanest” person around, to say the least. Sorry, J)

We sat a table, with me trying to initiate conversation; half of our time was in awkward silence as J was staring in the direction of one of the TVs.

We left the bar soon after. I accompanied J to the bus stop where he was to take the bus home. J initiated the idea of meeting up again with other people.

Just last week, J asked me if I had any luck with contacting B, who had been quiet even before then. J told me that “earlier”, B said he only liked being around his friends. Earlier in time or earlier that day? J never answered me.

You have one guy who’s non-responsive and flaky and you have another who has a history of trashiness and would also be flaky.

That video sitcom series? Consider it officially dead. If it was years ago, it’d hurt a lot to acknowledge the fact, and even now it hurts somewhat.

When you have other things to focus on, it gives you an alternative reason to push forward. An alternative purpose.

But like I said, it’s officially dead. I am open to doing the video sitcom series, but it will require a certain level of friendship, one where I know I can at least trust these guys.

Because you’re either going to grow with me or on your own; I’m not letting anyone hold me back.

You’re doing nothing?!

A while ago, a friend asked me questions. It went something like this:

“Are you in school?”

“No.”

“Are you working?”

“No.”

“So you’re doing nothing?!”

If life was that basic, then what a depressing way to live.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with studying or working, but people have a tendency to label each other, labels that don’t necessarily define us)

Stuck in a rut

Imagine spending your mental, emotional energy onto something, only to result in nothing good.

Adding insult to injury is when you get burned twice.

You then feel like you’ll be missing out on something great, something exciting, something worthwhile. The worst part is that you feel worthless.

And yet, you’re doing what you can to keep yourself together, because you’re a crazy person with big goals to accomplish. Either that or you simply refuse to be stepped down upon so easily, because you’re that strong of a person.

Let the wound bleed. It’ll stop eventually.

Feeling like we are nothing

We may find ourselves at a place where we feel like we are nothing.

We may feel like we have no one to fight for. We may feel like little to no one is there for us. But perhaps worst of all, we may feel very far from where we want to be.

Maybe it’s the people we interact with, who are indirectly making us feel less of ourselves, perhaps even holding us back. Maybe it’s because we want to be where we want to be now, but because we’re having a hard time trying to get there, it feels increasingly hopeless.

Or maybe we had a pretty lousy week, putting us in a state of mind where we feel like we are nothing.

And yet, for some reason, we push on, we keep going, because that’s how much we care about getting where we want to be. However hard it is, however long it takes, we keep pushing, because that’s how much we believe in getting there. And so, we continue on.

Wait for me, because I’m coming for you.

Another year ends

2017 went by really fast, and yet much has happened.

Back in October, I got to meet and see Emmet Cahill of Celtic Thunder in concert at a church I befriended two days prior.

Later that month, I wound up in a first-world horror nightmare that was losing my phone. At the end of the day it’s just a phone… except there was video work in there that I failed to back-up, therefore the scene needs to be refilmed. It’s 99% my fault for losing it (the 1% being that my phone was likely stolen). Also, I’m a classy guy I don’t have anything porn that will ruin me (sure, expose me with my pictures of celebrity crushes).

Other than that, it’s been quite the transformative year for who I am. Two things.

One. I did the unthinkable: I quietly left my modern church of six years.

Here’s a question: Which is worse – temporary joy or consistent solitude?

I say temporary joy. It creates the illusion that things are well, only for reality to hit, causing a feeling of emptiness. And when you experience this week after week, it wears on you.

Not that I have bad blood with the good people at the modern church–I can come visit once in a while, I’m just tired of constant disappointment.

Though I wouldn’t say that’s the sole reason.

Two. It doesn’t matter if people are your friends, family, or even church peers. If they bring out the worst in you, it’s better to distance yourself, for your own sake. The more you stay, the more bitter you become, and that’s not healthy, spiritually and mentally.

You want to grow as a person, and that means not being held back by what distracts you or simple toxicity from being with the wrong people.

Though it does get lonely, it’s the long-term goals that keeps a person moving. And for sure there are other people who will join you. You just have to find them.

As 2018 approaches (or already here, if you’re in Singapore or Japan or somewhere), my purpose remains.

I’m here to rock.

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should old acquaintance be forgot
For auld lang syne